Once a topic discussed in hushed tones behind closed doors, it seems kinky sex is no longer banished to the closet. In fact, kinky is cool.
Admit it. The topic may make you giggle, it may even make you blush, but when someone brings up blindfolds and handcuffs, you nod knowingly, with a certain tone of acceptance. After all, you have read those books and seen those movies. You’ve had your kink education and you’re all in. The sting of a whip seems like a small price to pay to snag a billionaire’s heart…
Here’s the thing. Those books and those movies are fiction. That’s right, F.I.C.T.I.O.N. There is little chance you’ll garner the attention of a rich dude simply by claiming to be submissive, and permitting a stranger to tie you to a bed and have his or her way with you is just stupid. And there is little in those books that accurately portrays the kink world, or the elements of a true Dominant/submissive relationship. Because believe it or not, not all Dominants have been abused or are psychologically damaged. And not all submissives are innocents who surrender control to a stranger just because they foolishly got drunk.
Yet, some consider those books the bible on a very complex lifestyle. And the damage that has resulted is tragic. There’s the case of the two women who decided to hook up with an alleged Dominant they met online. Both wound up chopped into pieces, stuffed into suitcases and left on a roadside to rot. And there’s the case of the recently divorced middle-aged women who decided to flit into a kink club, proclaiming to everyone who would listen that she wanted to serve a Dominant. Four men cornered her and convinced her that as a submissive, group sex was the key to proving her value. So, she allowed them to gang rape her—without protection—and wound up with an incurable sexually transmitted disease.
Then there are the online discussion groups that cater to those in the kink or BDSM lifestyle. They are filled with ads from lost men and women who offer to do “anything” in exchange for the protection and/or support of their Christian Grey. And those groups are also filled with post after post from naïve men and women who were taken advantage of by alleged Dominants and scammers. They tell stories of rape, abuse and more.
Obviously, the people in these examples were unable to make informed decisions about a lifestyle they knew little or nothing about. They relied on a fictional book or a movie to override what little common sense they possessed. They leapt right into harmful situations because they thought kink was trendy, cool, sexy. They gave no consideration to the consequences, only the mythical possibilities.
And in so doing, they missed a vital step, one not often portrayed in books or movies, but one those in the lifestyle will tell you is essential—building trust.
As in entrusting a person with your well-being when that bedroom door closes. As in being confident that you have taken rational steps to ensure your safety before surrendering control to another. As in trusting that the other person understands what you have consented to and will stay within those boundaries.
And that’s what’s missing in so many novels about kinky relationships. The steps between the meet and the handcuffs. If you don’t truly know and trust someone, why in hell would you permit them to blindfold you, tie you up, and stripe you with a whip? Because they might be a billionaire who will take care of your every need? Really?
You know what? I am pleased that the flurry of books on kinky romance have made it more mainstream. That just creates a bigger market for my books. However, while tolerance is good and more book sales are good, ignorance is not.
Ignorance can harm you, maybe even kill you.